DEF
Aries Spears on Def Jam (10/15/06) doing his fantasy rap song of LL Cool Jay, Snoop Dogg, DMX and Jay Z. He nails every imitation... hilarious!
Friday, September 19, 2008
CARPENTER JOKES - THE BLIND CARPENTER - HILARIOUS
THE BLIND CARPENTER
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
MECHANIC AND SURGEON JOKE - HILARIOUS
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running.."
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running.."
MECHANICS JOKES - USE FOR TOOLS - GARAGE JOKES
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
QUESTION AND ANWSER - FEMINIST JOKES
Some funny Questions and Answers.
1.Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
2.Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women."
3.Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
4.Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
5.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
6.Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
7.Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
8.Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
9.Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
10.Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
11.Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
12.Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable.".
13.Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".
1.Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
2.Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women."
3.Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
4.Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
5.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
6.Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
7.Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
8.Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
9.Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
10.Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
11.Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
12.Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable.".
13.Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".
'IF?' JOKES - PHILOSOPHICAL - INTELLIGENT DAR HUMOR AT ITS BEST
EXAMPLE: Have you ever Imagined a World without no Hypothetical Questions?
WIFE - WIVES JOKES - GREAT ONE LINERS TO USE - GOOD LAUGH - HILARI
1.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
2.My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
3.Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
4.She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
5.My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
6.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7.She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".
2.My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
3.Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
4.She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
5.My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
6.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7.She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".
BLONDE ONE LINERS JOKES - 1 MINUTE LAUGHTER CAN CHANGE ONES DAY!
BLONDE ONE LINERS - THESE ARE THE CREME-DE-LA-CREME - COMEDY
Blonde one liners...
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...........
1. she called me to get my phone number.
2. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
3. she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6.she tried to drown a fish.
7.she thought a quarterback was a refund.
8.she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9.she tripped over a cordless phone.
10.she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Blonde one liners...
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...........
1. she called me to get my phone number.
2. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
3. she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6.she tried to drown a fish.
7.she thought a quarterback was a refund.
8.she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9.she tripped over a cordless phone.
10.she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
BREAKING NEWS - JOHN McCAIN INVENTS OOIL - THE CLIMATE CRISIS IS OVER
John McCain invents OOIL to solve the Energy and Climate Crisis.
Now that it has come to light that John McCain is an inventor (which we all knew). John McCain's senior political friendo issued a statement today listing John McCain's other inventions. The one he put forward first is a substance called OOil.
Ooil is much like Oil except it only exists in one's imagination. In order to extract OOil you do not need a Rig, or pumps or even Oil, you just need a deep sense of denial and a Team of OOil experts to convince the world you invented it. It is also claimed that he (along with Palin) has in the last days invented
1) JJOOBBSS - except he lost the formula.
2) TTRUTH - Alot like The Truth except it isn't the truth (More on that when we get it)
And he also invented the Blackberry and the cure for Rabies.
Now that it has come to light that John McCain is an inventor (which we all knew). John McCain's senior political friendo issued a statement today listing John McCain's other inventions. The one he put forward first is a substance called OOil.
Ooil is much like Oil except it only exists in one's imagination. In order to extract OOil you do not need a Rig, or pumps or even Oil, you just need a deep sense of denial and a Team of OOil experts to convince the world you invented it. It is also claimed that he (along with Palin) has in the last days invented
1) JJOOBBSS - except he lost the formula.
2) TTRUTH - Alot like The Truth except it isn't the truth (More on that when we get it)
And he also invented the Blackberry and the cure for Rabies.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
OLD PEOPLE JOKES - VIDEO OF OLD LADY - REALLY HILARIOUS
Old Women hits car with her bag causing the airbag to deploy in the drivers face.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Gov. Palin speaking - Vlog #5: Sarah at the RNC!
Gov. Palin Vlog #5: Sarah at the RNC!
Our heroine nervously prepares for her big RNC speech and discusses her new BFF, Mr. Joe Lieberman. Check out Sarah Palin's other vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/sarabenincasa!
Our heroine nervously prepares for her big RNC speech and discusses her new BFF, Mr. Joe Lieberman. Check out Sarah Palin's other vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/sarabenincasa!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
DAVID BRENT'S FLASH DANCE - THE ORIGINAL OFFICE UK
Doing his "MAC HAMMER FLASH DANCE" - CLASSIC STUFF.
R. KELLY IN SOUTH PARK - WATCH IT - TOTALLY HILARIOUS
This is the episode where Tom won't 'Come out of the Closet', F**cking great stuff.
HOW TO BE A GANGSTER - HILARIOUS YOUTUBE VIDEO
This shit is both awful and funny at the same time. A dvd that teaches you how to be a true gangster
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