Billy Connolly doing his thing - a classic.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
MAN ROBS HIMSELF ON THE STREET - TAKES OFF WITH HIS OWN MONEY
A Man robbed himself on street during an act of self-debasement.
A Florida man called ‘Low’ robbed himself today on the street, outside a drug store. He forced the victim to the ground, taking his money and leaving him with cuts and bruises all over. Police were on the scene quickly but it turned out the criminal had long since fled the scene. Police are looking for a man, very similar in appearance to the actual victim. They issued a statement saying he has Blond Hair, is about 6’2 in height and is wearing a white jacket. It is said to be the first case of its kind in USA – which is a rarity when it comes to random acts of violence.
Source - Totally Bullshit News
A Florida man called ‘Low’ robbed himself today on the street, outside a drug store. He forced the victim to the ground, taking his money and leaving him with cuts and bruises all over. Police were on the scene quickly but it turned out the criminal had long since fled the scene. Police are looking for a man, very similar in appearance to the actual victim. They issued a statement saying he has Blond Hair, is about 6’2 in height and is wearing a white jacket. It is said to be the first case of its kind in USA – which is a rarity when it comes to random acts of violence.
Source - Totally Bullshit News
NEWCASTLE SOLD TO AN ICELANDIC CONSORTIUM FOR UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT
Newcastle has been sold to Iceland for a bid estimated to be worth 1-2 pounds. When I say Newcastle, I mean Newcastle Brown Ale, an old bottle of it, that was lying around. A Newcastle man, who shall remain nameless, found a bottle under his mattress and sold it to an Icelandic dude who was coming over to work. .In a statement the Icelandic Foreign Minister said ‘He regretted not buying it sooner’. Meanwhile, Newcastle Football club is still up for sale.
Friday, October 24, 2008
AS SEEN ON CNN - HUGE OBAMA PUPPET IN OHIO
Whoever made thia huge Obama Puppet must have had a lot of time on their hands - good one!
THE IRISH SINGING PRIESTS SIGN FOR SONY IN 2 MILLION DOLLARS RECORD DEAL - IS THIS WRONG?
It sounds like a joke, and yes, it perhaps should be a joke, except 2 Million Dollars is NO JOKE.
You could call them New Clergymen on the Block: three Roman Catholic priests from Northern Ireland who on occasion swap their rosary beads for microphones and their parishes for studio time.
Fathers Eugene O'Hagan and Martin O'Hagan, who are brothers, and David Delargy have been in the priesthood for some 20 years. But they've been singing together since their early teens.
In February they recorded a demo in Belfast which they sent off -- as Eugene O'Hagan puts it -- to "the powers that be." Sony BMG responded almost instantly with a very nice offering indeed, a record deal reportedly to the tune of somewhere north of $2 million.
Job Vacancies Kerry
Job Vacancies Cork
You could call them New Clergymen on the Block: three Roman Catholic priests from Northern Ireland who on occasion swap their rosary beads for microphones and their parishes for studio time.
Fathers Eugene O'Hagan and Martin O'Hagan, who are brothers, and David Delargy have been in the priesthood for some 20 years. But they've been singing together since their early teens.
In February they recorded a demo in Belfast which they sent off -- as Eugene O'Hagan puts it -- to "the powers that be." Sony BMG responded almost instantly with a very nice offering indeed, a record deal reportedly to the tune of somewhere north of $2 million.
Job Vacancies Kerry
Job Vacancies Cork
Sunday, October 19, 2008
SHOCKING !! - NORTH KOREA BIDS 1 BILLION FOR MAN UTD - SALE PENDING
So - where do we go from here? Man Utd Sold to North Korea - Old Trafford set to me moved there brick by brick.....funny or awful?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
HILARIOUS SCOTTISH STAR TREK - 17/10/2008 - FUNNY AND HILARIOUS GLASWEGIAN STYLE
This is really Hilarious. A full crew of mad scottish people.
TINA FEY ON LETTERMAN - SNL - NEW SKETCHES - FUNNY STUFF
This is the New Interview with Tina Fey - hilarious.
Europe TEFL ESL English Language Jobs Employment
Asia TEFL ESL English Language Jobs Employment
Ireland Job Vacancies Employment Listings
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America Job Listings Employment Vacancies
Ireland Vacations and Travel Website
Europe TEFL ESL English Language Jobs Employment
Asia TEFL ESL English Language Jobs Employment
Ireland Job Vacancies Employment Listings
South America TEFL ESL English Language Jobs Employment
America Job Listings Employment Vacancies
Ireland Vacations and Travel Website
Thursday, October 16, 2008
101 WAYS TO PISS PEOPLE OFF - GUARANTEED
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
English Language Jobs Asia
English Language Jobs Europe
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
English Language Jobs Asia
English Language Jobs Europe
THE WEEKLY DIARY OF JOHN MCCAIN - SECRETS REVEALED
MONDAY
Today, I became a liberal-minded, conservative traditionalist with no ties to Washington. I must remember that.
TUESDAY
Today, I was a straight-talking senator from Arizona (and 8 other places...maybe 9, wait, I'll have to check that for you). Then I was a Vietnam War Hero(I like that) - later I must meet some Mexicans trying to get Visas...no, one minute, I must make a call.....
WEDNESDAY
I met with four groups today, to which I pledged my support. Them NRA / Moose Hunting / Save the Whale / Drill for Oil / Conservation groups, sure seem like nice fellows.
THURSDAY
Animal Rights / Abortion rights supporters keep calling me. For what?
FRIDAY
This morning I met 3 unemployed people whose families were completely devastated by the closure of their factory. It was only an hour later that we discovered my wife laid them off. Trying to be a voice for the oppressed and a friend to the oppressors can be surprisingly difficult.
SATURDAY
11 missed called from G. W. What's this guys problem? Do the words F**k Off mean anything to him?
SUNDAY
I attended church today for the first time. It scared the shit out of me. Who the hell is Jesus and why has he so many lobbyists? Nobody told me about him...I must call my lawy...I mean my friends.
Today, I became a liberal-minded, conservative traditionalist with no ties to Washington. I must remember that.
TUESDAY
Today, I was a straight-talking senator from Arizona (and 8 other places...maybe 9, wait, I'll have to check that for you). Then I was a Vietnam War Hero(I like that) - later I must meet some Mexicans trying to get Visas...no, one minute, I must make a call.....
WEDNESDAY
I met with four groups today, to which I pledged my support. Them NRA / Moose Hunting / Save the Whale / Drill for Oil / Conservation groups, sure seem like nice fellows.
THURSDAY
Animal Rights / Abortion rights supporters keep calling me. For what?
FRIDAY
This morning I met 3 unemployed people whose families were completely devastated by the closure of their factory. It was only an hour later that we discovered my wife laid them off. Trying to be a voice for the oppressed and a friend to the oppressors can be surprisingly difficult.
SATURDAY
11 missed called from G. W. What's this guys problem? Do the words F**k Off mean anything to him?
SUNDAY
I attended church today for the first time. It scared the shit out of me. Who the hell is Jesus and why has he so many lobbyists? Nobody told me about him...I must call my lawy...I mean my friends.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
ICESAVE AGREEMENT REACHED WITH UK - ICELAND ON THE BRINK OF BANKRUPTCY
Ok guys, this might not seem funny, in fact it isn't, but for it to be breaking news gives us some indication of how crazy and insane the world has gone. Banks giving money back to the savers - wow!! For more go to -
CLICK HERE FOR SKY NEWS HEADLINES
CLICK HERE FOR SKY NEWS HEADLINES
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
PLUMBING JOKES COLLECTION- GREAT AND DIRTY PLUMBER HUMOR - FUNNY
A proud father was showing a fellow worker a picture of his five grown sons.
His friend asked what they did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers.
The friend asked about the middle son and the father said,
"Oh, he's a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the others educations."
A good flush beats a full house every time.
A plumber is the only guy I know who can take a leak....
....and fix it also!"
Your crap is my family's bread & butter."
In what way is a Doctor & Plumber alike? They both bury their mistakes.
How many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three... A boss to tell a plumber, a plumber to tell a helper, a helper to get his electrician friend to do it on the side.
Two... One to get the beer and one to call the electrician.
His friend asked what they did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers.
The friend asked about the middle son and the father said,
"Oh, he's a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the others educations."
A good flush beats a full house every time.
A plumber is the only guy I know who can take a leak....
....and fix it also!"
Your crap is my family's bread & butter."
In what way is a Doctor & Plumber alike? They both bury their mistakes.
How many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three... A boss to tell a plumber, a plumber to tell a helper, a helper to get his electrician friend to do it on the side.
Two... One to get the beer and one to call the electrician.
BLONDE BUILDER - CONSTRUCTION JOKES - HUMOR
Two blonde builders were working on a house.
One blonde was on a ladder nailing. Each time she reached into her nail pouch and pulled out a nail, she'd look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde watched for a while, puzzled. Then she couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely!"
The second blonde got very frustrated at this and started to call her all kinds of names. She explained, "Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"
One blonde was on a ladder nailing. Each time she reached into her nail pouch and pulled out a nail, she'd look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde watched for a while, puzzled. Then she couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely!"
The second blonde got very frustrated at this and started to call her all kinds of names. She explained, "Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"
CLASSIC BUILDERS JOKES - FUNNY WHEELBARROW HUMOR
A strong young man is standing around with the other old timers boasting about how he can carry more that everyone there.
One Ol timer bets him one weeks wages that he can wheel something in that wheelbarrow that that young punk could never carry.
The young guy boasts "your on old man!!"
With that the old timer puts out his hand and says...."Get in."
One Ol timer bets him one weeks wages that he can wheel something in that wheelbarrow that that young punk could never carry.
The young guy boasts "your on old man!!"
With that the old timer puts out his hand and says...."Get in."
Sunday, October 5, 2008
RICHARD PRYOR SKETCHES SELECTION - BEST SHOWS
ABOUT PRISON - Richard Pryor talks about making a movie in prison, murderers, and racist groups.
RICHARD PRYOR - THE MAFIA
RICHARD PRYOR - THE MAFIA
BILLY CONNOLLY - OLD AND LIVE SKETCHES - TICKETS
BILLY CONNOLLY - SCROTUMS
BILLY CONNOLLY - MASTURBATION
BILLY CONNOLLY - MASTURBATION
Friday, September 19, 2008
DEF JAM - ARIER SPEARS RAPPING LL COOL JAY - SNOOP ETC
DEF
Aries Spears on Def Jam (10/15/06) doing his fantasy rap song of LL Cool Jay, Snoop Dogg, DMX and Jay Z. He nails every imitation... hilarious!
Aries Spears on Def Jam (10/15/06) doing his fantasy rap song of LL Cool Jay, Snoop Dogg, DMX and Jay Z. He nails every imitation... hilarious!
CARPENTER JOKES - THE BLIND CARPENTER - HILARIOUS
THE BLIND CARPENTER
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
MECHANIC AND SURGEON JOKE - HILARIOUS
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running.."
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running.."
MECHANICS JOKES - USE FOR TOOLS - GARAGE JOKES
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
QUESTION AND ANWSER - FEMINIST JOKES
Some funny Questions and Answers.
1.Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
2.Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women."
3.Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
4.Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
5.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
6.Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
7.Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
8.Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
9.Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
10.Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
11.Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
12.Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable.".
13.Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".
1.Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
2.Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women."
3.Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
4.Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
5.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
6.Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
7.Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
8.Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
9.Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
10.Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
11.Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
12.Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable.".
13.Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".
'IF?' JOKES - PHILOSOPHICAL - INTELLIGENT DAR HUMOR AT ITS BEST
EXAMPLE: Have you ever Imagined a World without no Hypothetical Questions?
WIFE - WIVES JOKES - GREAT ONE LINERS TO USE - GOOD LAUGH - HILARI
1.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
2.My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
3.Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
4.She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
5.My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
6.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7.She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".
2.My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
3.Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
4.She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
5.My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
6.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7.She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".
BLONDE ONE LINERS JOKES - 1 MINUTE LAUGHTER CAN CHANGE ONES DAY!
BLONDE ONE LINERS - THESE ARE THE CREME-DE-LA-CREME - COMEDY
Blonde one liners...
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...........
1. she called me to get my phone number.
2. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
3. she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6.she tried to drown a fish.
7.she thought a quarterback was a refund.
8.she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9.she tripped over a cordless phone.
10.she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Blonde one liners...
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...........
1. she called me to get my phone number.
2. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
3. she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6.she tried to drown a fish.
7.she thought a quarterback was a refund.
8.she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9.she tripped over a cordless phone.
10.she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
BREAKING NEWS - JOHN McCAIN INVENTS OOIL - THE CLIMATE CRISIS IS OVER
John McCain invents OOIL to solve the Energy and Climate Crisis.
Now that it has come to light that John McCain is an inventor (which we all knew). John McCain's senior political friendo issued a statement today listing John McCain's other inventions. The one he put forward first is a substance called OOil.
Ooil is much like Oil except it only exists in one's imagination. In order to extract OOil you do not need a Rig, or pumps or even Oil, you just need a deep sense of denial and a Team of OOil experts to convince the world you invented it. It is also claimed that he (along with Palin) has in the last days invented
1) JJOOBBSS - except he lost the formula.
2) TTRUTH - Alot like The Truth except it isn't the truth (More on that when we get it)
And he also invented the Blackberry and the cure for Rabies.
Now that it has come to light that John McCain is an inventor (which we all knew). John McCain's senior political friendo issued a statement today listing John McCain's other inventions. The one he put forward first is a substance called OOil.
Ooil is much like Oil except it only exists in one's imagination. In order to extract OOil you do not need a Rig, or pumps or even Oil, you just need a deep sense of denial and a Team of OOil experts to convince the world you invented it. It is also claimed that he (along with Palin) has in the last days invented
1) JJOOBBSS - except he lost the formula.
2) TTRUTH - Alot like The Truth except it isn't the truth (More on that when we get it)
And he also invented the Blackberry and the cure for Rabies.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
OLD PEOPLE JOKES - VIDEO OF OLD LADY - REALLY HILARIOUS
Old Women hits car with her bag causing the airbag to deploy in the drivers face.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Gov. Palin speaking - Vlog #5: Sarah at the RNC!
Gov. Palin Vlog #5: Sarah at the RNC!
Our heroine nervously prepares for her big RNC speech and discusses her new BFF, Mr. Joe Lieberman. Check out Sarah Palin's other vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/sarabenincasa!
Our heroine nervously prepares for her big RNC speech and discusses her new BFF, Mr. Joe Lieberman. Check out Sarah Palin's other vlogs at http://www.youtube.com/sarabenincasa!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
DAVID BRENT'S FLASH DANCE - THE ORIGINAL OFFICE UK
Doing his "MAC HAMMER FLASH DANCE" - CLASSIC STUFF.
R. KELLY IN SOUTH PARK - WATCH IT - TOTALLY HILARIOUS
This is the episode where Tom won't 'Come out of the Closet', F**cking great stuff.
HOW TO BE A GANGSTER - HILARIOUS YOUTUBE VIDEO
This shit is both awful and funny at the same time. A dvd that teaches you how to be a true gangster
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